domingo, 22 de março de 2015

3.a.m Thoughts

I'm  in a weird place right now.
I don't know whether to feel scared or ... free.

Right now this thought crossed my mind while i was looking to myself on the webcam...

I'm ugly.
I remembered how ugly and hideous i am.

And i remembered how those boys made me feel...
I remembered how pedro made me feel..
They gave me something.
From all the bad things, the fake friendships and the heartbreak..
They gave me something.
The realization that maybe i wasn't that hideous..
Maybe i wasn't that ugly.

But now im getting consumed with this emptiness, im so desperate to find a distraction
for my broken heart and my constant go backs to those memories of him.
That i keep getting stuck on this loop hitting my head on the rock all the time.
Like wtf!!!

I always knew im not attractive, i always knew im was never pretty or gonna be.
But i accepted it, and i forgot about that point of view and started accepting myself at least in that way.
But i noticed the distractions i've been arranging to shut down this stupid brain have failed so hard
on these last two weeks that im having a greater difficult time trying to accepting and disconnecting from the negative parts.

Im so desperate trying to stop feeling all this shit.
That i lost a bit of control.
I keep arranging hangouts, game plays etc etc just to stop myself from thinking...
Because honestly thinking is my greatest enemy.
My heart is my greatest enemy.

Im trying to improve myself and do the things i always wanted and the things i want,
and i was feeling good about it.
I was finally doing what i truly wanted and being the person i really was.
Free even...
Happy almost...
Good with myself..
But now,
now that i can't seem to escape myself im going down hard.

I was trying to go to concerts this week, but my friends ditched me...
To a medieval faire with this cute boy that i ditched to go to meet those friends.
To the cinema with another groups of friends that i also ditched.
And i went to meet a boy that is possibly the most sycotic and sociopathish guy i have ever met and i knew exacly how he was, how preverted and mischevious he was, basicly i knew he was a mdrfuking asshole.
That keep trying to make me go inside is car...
LELE and basically said " ok fine, bye then " just because i told him " can we just take a walk and talk a bit ", i didn't even feel bad about that i knew the way he was and how he acted, what really pissed me off was my stupidity.
And the day after i went to the cinema with my friend, but i was so angry and getting so fed up
with little things that shouldn't even have logic to get mad at.
I was so desperate to chill out and i ended up doing worse...
I got angrier, more annoyed and even mad at my friend.
So basically i let that shit day affect me even when it didn't, i made it affect me.
The truth is i could've met the cute boy when i got ditched, yeah that boy was just gonna use me so he wouldn't go alone to a concert, but i didn't care it would be mutual we both didn't wanted to go alone and we both just wanted to have fun and nothing more, the concert he was going to , was right next to mine basically and i just didn't went because im a fucking giant pussy.
I thought about it, i did.
But then i got scared and over thinking and making up excuses.
The truth is im getting afraid of interacting with ppl again, thought i really want to interact with ppl.
I thought i was beginning to grow some epic balls back, but the truth is that im really faking it after all...
I mean cammon!!! that boy was fucking cute !, the concerts etc!everything was a possibility for fun and freedom, i was finally doing things for me.
it was exactly what ive been wanting, and i blew it completely with excuses again, with stupid fears and insecurities..
I am seriously considering slapping the shit out of myself, im not even kidding...
Like cammon!!! everything ive been working for, trying to overcome my fears and this shitty broken heart bs like a baby.
I wanted to be free again so badly, and i was doing it , but then i got hasty and speeded up just to end up crashing it.

I don't even know

Today i pushed myself to the cliff again..
I randomly posted a post on fb like basically inviting ppl to invite me to go out and walk somewhere and just talk, you know? socialize.
But then i chickened out again, but even worse , i saw messages and then i made up shitty excuses, like " ahh sorry that post was intended to my close friends", " oh sorry i wont be going after all", or even not replying.
There's this friend, a long time friend that helped me through bad times, and invited me to invite her to go out sometime and chat and catch up, but she really meant it , it wasn't that bs " oh we should catch up " with "not rlly" underlined.
Like, how am i going to explain to anyone in a normal way, in a serious way that im starting to be afraid of leaving my house again? How could they ever understand?
How am i going to explain, that i have a fear of ppl and that is has grown stronger again??
How am i going to explain that im a complete social weirdo worm that cant leave its own fucking house to even take out the trash??
Im so ashamed of myself, of my looks of my existence...of everything that i am and that i do...
Im so mad at myself.
So disappointed.

I don't know what to feel anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I cant cool down, nor slow down.
I'm going crazy right now.
I was going on the right path to be happy with myself and i blew it.

So here's to a babys little cry post... gee gee

I just really ... really want to go hiking, go to the beach, just anything to get my mind of all this shit...