segunda-feira, 30 de março de 2015

3.a.m Thoughts

Whenever i talk to my mom about my dreams, ambitions, plans and what i'm gonna take out of what i'm currently doing, she either shows me disdain and disapproval, or tells me " you should work more".

Whenever i talk about where i want to go make a life, get a house in, if its in a different country or not, she always either adds " we " or says its ridiculous.

I told her i wanted to try and check if i could work as a chef/chefs helper abroad, she gave me that uninterested look again, mumbling a very weak yes, in a fake approval or confirmation.
Once we were walking around costa, and there was my favorite house area, and i turned to her and said -
" I really like these tiny houses, they seem so perfect, i wanna live here if i stay in Portugal "
And mom right before i finished my sentence, said -
" Yes we should get a house here someday, together "

Its always like this, not only that, but ppl keep telling me to take care of my mother, " Shes gonna need you, your going to have to take care of your mother" , " she has always taken care of you ", etc

Today my neighbor passed by me, and had this stupid talk about me doing my life and achieve my goals, BUT right after he said-

" me and your mom we didn't talk about this, this is my own opinion, but i think you should really prepare, and get ready to take care of your mother, she has been through a lot, with three kids all alone, it was a really bad time for her, so now when she needs you, your gonna have to be there".

Ok, so basically i owe my mom my life? literally? what was i born for then? to be a keeper? a slave?

My mom always taught my brothers to be independent, she gave them a lot of freedom, and forced them to go find their own life.
But me... no.
She never allowed me to do anything that stimulated independence, she wouldn't let me go out with my friends to the city or anything until i was at least 18/19, i barely could go in my own neighborhood, let along to the city or anything, she always blocked me from being intuitive, self aware and from defending myself.
She always thought me to fallow others orders, to be afraid of ppl, to not defend myself basically.
She always told me to work, but not for myself, only to help her and for the house.
My brothers never, i mean never!!! ever!! were demanded to pay the bills or food or anything and they were incentivated to work at a very young age.
Me? no, the moment i finally started working ( around 20 ) she demanded every penny for the house, food and everything.
She always incentivated me for a life, but a life as her keeper and caretaker when shes old.
" its always my obligation to take care of everything " when my brothers were told to leave the house and make a life and be independent.

How am i supposed to live a life, that im not allowed to?
How am i supposed to live a life i am too late for?

How am i supposed to live a life, i wasn't prepared or thought how to? and prevented from learning?

Its funny, its the raw truth...
I'm never gonna be my own person.